Here I am! In Fribourg (Switzerland)!
I sit in front of this computer, and I don't know where to start. You know, there are sooo many things happening each day. So many emotions. In my diary, in which I write each day, I cannot write all that go trhough my mind and soul. And in the blog, where I can write once a week at best.... What you get is the summary of the summary (: !! :P But anyhow, I think that the feeling stays.
It was a very good idea to stop for one day. Not only for the body, but also for thinking. For feeling. For recalling a bit all the things that have happened. You know, in this life we do not appreciate things until we lose them. And the feeling of knowing where your house is is SO worthy. To know simply where you are going to sleep tonight. A luxury for the pelgrim. At the beginning I had a list containing aaaaaaaall of the possible places where I could sleep. Hotels (which I avoided like hell, 'cause they're really expensive), Gasthaueser, private people, everything. The list did only comprehend german places, thought, and luckily I was lazy or unlucky enough to not print the 50 pages of the longer swiss list. When I arrived in Switzerland, I only knew where I could stay the first night, in Sankt Gallen. It was a great pelgrim shelter. And then... Good luck!
Well, at first it made me a bit anxious. The villages are not homogeneously distributed over the way, so you may get throught three or four hostals in one hour, and then stay five hours "away" from civilization. So if it's like six p.m. and you haven't found anything, it's likely that the sun will set before you do so. Or so I thought.
Violating all laws of physics and common sense, I NEVER had a problem in finding a place to stay. Never. Specially in the last days, I have learnt to forget about the question "Where am I going to sleep tonight?". There is miracously ALWAYS something. Some days I was asking farmers if they knew where I could stay that night and they were answering "no, but you can stay in our granary, if you want". (Farmers are incredibly kind people. And extremely wise. Never use the expression "simple as a farmer". When you talk to them you feel that they know so much from nature, from people, and from life!) I have selpt in straw, near cows, in some storehouses, there was ALWAYS a place. And at the end of the day you are normally so tired, that when the sun is gone so are you too.
I am sorry that I cannot upload any photos yet. I have some really good ones. Specially in Switzerland, every day I found I place where I thought "I could staz here and contemplate the landscape for weeks". No exaggeration here. I have seen places that could give life back to a dead person. Huge mountains with shining snow and ancient trees, lakes with water so blue that you think there has to be some kind of magic in it, valleys so mystical that you woulnd't wonder too much if suddenly a big dragon flied over your head.
Each day I cry. Each day I laugh. Each day I sing and each day I'm angry, and astonished, and and and... You know, there is nothing extraordinary in the Way. It's only a matter of a step behind the other. But it's you. You, all of you, all your good parts, all your bad parts, all your dreams and your fears, your successes and your inner devils that go aaall the way long with you. It's you, the Way, and the Nature. You, Nature, and the World. It's pure. It's spiritual. It's right.
In my 20th day or so I was angry at me. I sayed to myself, come on, Samu, this is costing so much money, your body hurts so badly, and after 20 days you haven't find even a big truth about yourself. (This is true. I have found a lot of minor truths, but no major evidence striked me yet. But I'll come to this in a second). I was feeling a bit guilty. But then time passed and I thought, no, it's wrong. It's not about that. My philosophy in life is "Be a sponge". Fill yourself with what surrounds you. Observe. And why should I be handling the Way differently? So I started to stop expecting and just "let me go" throught the Way rather than "actively walking to my next destination". And it feels so right.
Here are some songs that I have this days in mind:
You gotta move
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtlVSedpIRU (though not this exact version)
Cat Stevens - Father and son
Lagarto Amarillo - Siempre y cuando
And of course, a lot from Mercedes Sosa, specially Gracias a la vida, Todo Cambia, Como la Cigarra & Maria, Maria.
There is a question that I have been asking myself from the Beginning: Why am I going this Way? I have told friends and family that it was because I needed some time to think about continuing in physics or not.
But this is not the truth. Oh, no, this is not the truth. Of course I needed some time to think about that, but the point is that this Way called me. Something inside or outside of me called. It feels like playing the lowest tone of an enormous guitar. It's not loud, but it's present. I saw once a book with photos of this Way, and after that moment there was no chance to escape. My secret inner tones started playing, and when this happens
you gotta move. I don't know the exact reason why I am here. There is something calling. There is some unasked question boiling inside of me. And I will find it, oh yes I will (:
Thinking about this, I realized something.
You could describe my personality as the conversation between some people, being all of them different parts of me. You have the Serious Samu, the Funny Samu, you have the Adventurer and so on. What I discovered is related to two parts of me, Big Samu and Little Samu:
Both Little and Big Samu wanted at some point to leave Tenerife and go see the world.
Everything was so exciting, everything was so special outta there, my body and my soul were simply needing to go. As time came closer and I was seeing more clearly what leaving for Germany really meant, Big Samu started being the Driving Part of me. There were a lot of Big decisions to be taken, concerning where to study, finding a place to live, opening a bank account, understanding a foreign health insurance system, an unknown dialect of German, adapting to a fully new culture, climate, and so on. I had a lot of support from my parents and family, but little practical help, since no one of them speaked german or knew the country.
So it was the perfect task for Big Samu. We enjoyed it, being an adult, handling all Big Problems on our own, being a Steppenwulf.
The three following years were hard ones. Also nice ones. But when I say hard, I mean really hard. Big Samu had to give the Best out of him to survive the strikes of life. There were plenty of nights were I had no more truth in myself, where I was thinking, no way I can handle all this on my own. I invented the Ritual of the Elder and a thousand little tricks to get all possible energy out of the deepest parts of me. Big Samu made a very good job.
Big Samu had so much pressure, he had to handle so many problems and speak so loudly to not get lost in the middle of life, that Little Samu was nearly forgotten. Of course not at all. I always, always enjoyed taking some time for me, taking a walk at night, contemplating the stars, just enjoying like I used to do as a kid. But my life was being driven by Big Samu. There were still plenty of important and dangerous things around, matters about love, about the future, about my career.
And what I realized the other day is that I had nearly forgotten about Little Samu. About the child that still lives in me, the one that used to point at things to know their name, the one that learned about life by playing with life. In the last times I have been SOOOOOO occupied with planning and imaging and calculating my future. Physics, Neurosciences, Munich, Bonn, Spain, so many possibilities, so many things that Big Samu wanted to clear as soon as possible.
But the Game of Life, the Joy of Playing, the Sense of all it perhaps, the things that Little Samu knows better about, they have been secondary when taking my decisions. This is going to change. Little Samu is back. Rediscovered in the Way.
Remind me that another day I tell you about the Spirits.
As the last thing for this long long post, I'd like to copy a part of my diary here:
There is a part of my diary I'd like to copy here. Some parts may be strange because it's difficult to translate them into english. I was lying on a bed hearing to Maria, Maria, and then everything came out:
How strong is this woman's (Mercedes Sosa) music. How much do her words move me, just like a leave in the wind. What a privilege. What a privilege this life, what a privilege being able of crying, what a deep privilege being able of taking my things and leave, what a privilege to have the money to pay it, the will to go it, to stand my ground, health to resist, heart to open myself and absvorve all the world, five senses to absorve life, landscapes and people and worlds I never knew before. What a privilege to have all my people so close to me, to take with me a part of all of them, from so many places all over this world, and to know that I am a bit in them, with them. What a privilege to have the liberty to go and cross countries that aren't at war eith each other, that don't hate or fear each other. What an inmense luck to bne alive, but specially to FEEL alive, so alive in the world, in here, now, how wonderful to be able of recognizing my fears, my weaknesses, and be able of working to be a better person, how amazing to have so many doors open, how delicious to have lived, to have enjoyed, to have risked and have experienced Good and Bad. How wonderful to cry. How wonderful to feel my breath, how wonderful EVERYTHING is! How to thank for all this? How to only understand all this? How to realize that I have a THOUSAND times all I wish? How to express this wet happiness, this unbelievable present? Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.
